What it really looks like...

'We were seriously considering to hospitalize you at first...' - my mental guru keeps reminding me this from time to time. Probably to point out how bad my condition was just few months ago and what a progress it's been since that time. According to my psychiatrist (or should I say alienist?), when I first entered her office I was so slow, in all means. The way I was speaking, reacting and acting was so slow. Way too slow. One of the main points of endogenous depression. Have to say, I didn't notice it all myself. From the inside it looks differently...


Speaking of what one might experience inside when depressed, I tried to highlight moments I really can state are a part of depression.


Number one - tiredness and exhaustion. The most common moment. And the most tricky one. Back in autumn 2016 I was feeling so tired and exhausted and at one point I decided to take a break from everything. And that was a trap. As I fell deeper into depression. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed and prepare breakfast. Another point here, sleep doesn't help at all.


Number two - apathy. Depression is about having bad mood most of the time. Things one used to adore doesn't give happiness anymore. I was also crying quite a lot. Without serious reason, you know. I could just burst into tears because it was just too hard for me.


Number three - elevated anxiety, panic attacks and irrational fears. Remember I was talking about panic attacks in one of my Living with Anxiety stories? Well, the truth us my panic attacks turned to be a part of early stages of depression. Irrational fears. This is really crazy because when you are deeply depressed these fears seem to turn into reality. Like, there were days when I couldn't step out of the house as it felt like sky is going to fall or building will start crushing...


Number four - feeling of loneliness. When in depression you don't really understand what is going on with you. You might not understand why you feel what you feel and it tend to be hard to explain others it all, so at some point one just starts feeling super lonely. Like I felt I'm the only person in this world facing something like this earlier in the days. And it's still just one close person of mine who understand my feeling and, you know, it really means a world to me now.


Number five - bad sleep. Problems wit sleep pretty much come together with exhaustion. One might find it hard to fall asleep at all or have too intermittent sleep. Have too many nightmares or sleep during the day instead of night.


Number six - eating disorder and psychosomatic pains. Eating disorder is quite a common part of depression. One might loose appetite at all and as a result start loosing weight crazily. Like I was even having pains in my stomach and nausea at some point. Plus it was just about four months ago that my weight fell to 49kg and I was literally steps away from anorexia. I just couldn't control it. Speaking of somatic pains, it's one of the worst parts of depression. It's pretty painful and super annoying.


Well, I believe I managed to point out the main moments one might face when depressed. But still, it's crucial to say that it's not one and only formula of depression. Symptoms might differ from person to person as depression has many faces. So if you or one of people you know feel like having a number of symptoms above, please, try taking action - get professional help. Depression is no joke, trust me. It can easily have a fatal outcome if not cured at all. Just be a warrior.


Photo: T. Egorova


What it really looks like...

'We were seriously considering to hospitalize you at first...' - my mental guru keeps reminding me this from time to time. Probably to point out how bad my condition was just few months ago and what a progress it's been since that time. According to my psychiatrist (or should I say alienist?), when I first entered her office I was so slow, in all means. The way I was speaking, reacting and acting was so slow. Way too slow. One of the main points of endogenous depression. Have to say, I didn't notice it all myself. From the inside it looks differently...


Speaking of what one might experience inside when depressed, I tried to highlight moments I really can state are a part of depression.


Number one - tiredness and exhaustion. The most common moment. And the most tricky one. Back in autumn 2016 I was feeling so tired and exhausted and at one point I decided to take a break from everything. And that was a trap. As I fell deeper into depression. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed and prepare breakfast. Another point here, sleep doesn't help at all.


Number two - apathy. Depression is about having bad mood most of the time. Things one used to adore doesn't give happiness anymore. I was also crying quite a lot. Without serious reason, you know. I could just burst into tears because it was just too hard for me.


Number three - elevated anxiety, panic attacks and irrational fears. Remember I was talking about panic attacks in one of my Living with Anxiety stories? Well, the truth us my panic attacks turned to be a part of early stages of depression. Irrational fears. This is really crazy because when you are deeply depressed these fears seem to turn into reality. Like, there were days when I couldn't step out of the house as it felt like sky is going to fall or building will start crushing...


Number four - feeling of loneliness. When in depression you don't really understand what is going on with you. You might not understand why you feel what you feel and it tend to be hard to explain others it all, so at some point one just starts feeling super lonely. Like I felt I'm the only person in this world facing something like this earlier in the days. And it's still just one close person of mine who understand my feeling and, you know, it really means a world to me now.


Number five - bad sleep. Problems wit sleep pretty much come together with exhaustion. One might find it hard to fall asleep at all or have too intermittent sleep. Have too many nightmares or sleep during the day instead of night.


Number six - eating disorder and psychosomatic pains. Eating disorder is quite a common part of depression. One might loose appetite at all and as a result start loosing weight crazily. Like I was even having pains in my stomach and nausea at some point. Plus it was just about four months ago that my weight fell to 49kg and I was literally steps away from anorexia. I just couldn't control it. Speaking of somatic pains, it's one of the worst parts of depression. It's pretty painful and super annoying.


Well, I believe I managed to point out the main moments one might face when depressed. But still, it's crucial to say that it's not one and only formula of depression. Symptoms might differ from person to person as depression has many faces. So if you or one of people you know feel like having a number of symptoms above, please, try taking action - get professional help. Depression is no joke, trust me. It can easily have a fatal outcome if not cured at all. Just be a warrior.


Photo: T. Egorova

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